As time goes by the pain of my relationship break up is receding and I can start to be a bit more honest about my own feelings. I wasn't all that happy myself and thinking I could have and should have done better in my relationship selections. To cut a long story short I had begun to realize the ex wasn't all that I really wanted out of partner.
As I mull over the events of the last few months before we broke up I guess she felt the same. Where I just accepted the way things were because I thought we had a good life and while the passion had somehow gone from our relationship I thought we were happy together. However, somewhere along the line she had decided to move on.
The hard thing of course in getting over it all and realizing that despite the really dumb and questionable relationship she appears to have got herself into she ain't coming back and I don't really want her to.
But that is not entirely true of course. Despite the fact that I am better off without her and the compromises I thought I had made and her selfishness I still think about her all the time. I am finding it hard to let go while knowing I need to for the sake of my sanity.
And so we move on partly getting over it, partly not when we have fleeting snippets of contact, getting into new relationships. This includes putting to bed any thoughts of a need for chemical help to get it up to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship bar a few beers which had been a worry as our sex life hadn't been all that great for some time. Clearly, as it turns out I need more more from a partner than a mechanical and passionless acceptance on her part.
But still the pain is not totally gone, and until it does, the longing, sometimes despair and grief will overshadow any further relationships. The baggage that people talk about. Well we all have baggage, the ghosts of relationships past. In some ways this baggage is character building but it is still a tough time.
Tough too hide from the new lady in my life who has her own baggage. Hopefully time will heal the wounds and to be fair it is really only a few short months since this all went down. But starting over is hard and as old age approaches there is always the fear of growing old alone.
This in part has driven me to start all over again in the hope of finding the perfect or more or less perfect mate but in the back of my mind there is always the fear that she was the one and she has forsaken me and there is no hope.
But I need to look to the future. 2011 was the worst year of my life and I live in hope that 2012 will be much better. Despite my current fit of melancholy it has started off with a hiss and a roar. My Christmas and New Year was much happier than I would have believed possible just a few months ago and may that trend continue.