As time goes by the pain of my relationship break up is receding and I can start to be a bit more honest about my own feelings. I wasn't all that happy myself and thinking I could have and should have done better in my relationship selections. To cut a long story short I had begun to realize the ex wasn't all that I really wanted out of partner.
As I mull over the events of the last few months before we broke up I guess she felt the same. Where I just accepted the way things were because I thought we had a good life and while the passion had somehow gone from our relationship I thought we were happy together. However, somewhere along the line she had decided to move on.
The hard thing of course in getting over it all and realizing that despite the really dumb and questionable relationship she appears to have got herself into she ain't coming back and I don't really want her to.
But that is not entirely true of course. Despite the fact that I am better off without her and the compromises I thought I had made and her selfishness I still think about her all the time. I am finding it hard to let go while knowing I need to for the sake of my sanity.
And so we move on partly getting over it, partly not when we have fleeting snippets of contact, getting into new relationships. This includes putting to bed any thoughts of a need for chemical help to get it up to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship bar a few beers which had been a worry as our sex life hadn't been all that great for some time. Clearly, as it turns out I need more more from a partner than a mechanical and passionless acceptance on her part.
But still the pain is not totally gone, and until it does, the longing, sometimes despair and grief will overshadow any further relationships. The baggage that people talk about. Well we all have baggage, the ghosts of relationships past. In some ways this baggage is character building but it is still a tough time.
Tough too hide from the new lady in my life who has her own baggage. Hopefully time will heal the wounds and to be fair it is really only a few short months since this all went down. But starting over is hard and as old age approaches there is always the fear of growing old alone.
This in part has driven me to start all over again in the hope of finding the perfect or more or less perfect mate but in the back of my mind there is always the fear that she was the one and she has forsaken me and there is no hope.
But I need to look to the future. 2011 was the worst year of my life and I live in hope that 2012 will be much better. Despite my current fit of melancholy it has started off with a hiss and a roar. My Christmas and New Year was much happier than I would have believed possible just a few months ago and may that trend continue.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Friday, 2 December 2011
My previous post outlined the recent breakup of the key relationship in my life. The hardest thing to come to terms with, and in truth I haven't yet fully come to terms with the fact that it has ended and there is no turning the clock back.
The other thing to deal with is that the ex was already well down the path of moving on when I found out about it all. She had already made plans and they didn't include me despite that fact that she had no intention of moving out or actually leaving until the stars were aligned in her favour.
While I was hoping for reconciliation she was already committing the ultimate deception and it was only by chance that I found out. Lies piled on lies and then you immediately start to question the entire relationship. Had this happened before? Probably despite her denials.
The best bit of advice that I had was to move one and do the stuff I wanted to do. So I did. I think it was a surprise to the ex that I decided to stay in the house. Apart from anything else I couldn't bear the thought of packing up all my gear and moving. I'll have to do it eventually but not yet.
The next thing I did was get the legal side of the separation rolling. I explained that if we did get back together this wouldn't matter but it was clear that this wasn't likely to happen. I don't know what she was thinking or where her head was but she had it in her mind that we could just agree to part and when house prices came back we could sort out our affairs. Don't you trust me? Yeah right. Best to get things sorted as soon as possible before positions harden.First piece of good advice I got from my lawyer.
The next piece of advice I got was to stay away from online dating sites for while. Just chill out and do the stuff you like doing and take things as they come. I have to say that in hindsight that is pretty good advice.
But oops I'd already started and I have had some pretty interesting experiences. I was determined not to rest on my laurels and try new stuff and get out of my comfort zone. I could easily just sit here at home and get bitter and depressed.
So I created a profile and waited for the results. The first few dates were interesting to say the least. It was a bit of a concern to me that I seemed to attract a certain type of woman. They were ok but probably just as needy as I was at the time. Was there something wrong with my profile, was I too honest?
Then there were the women that in the flesh were a bit different to what their profile said. In my mind there is a difference between a little white lie than outright deception. The profiles in themselves are interesting as well. Is there such a thing as a perfect bloke? Some of them have pretty high expectations.No wonder their profiles seem to remain on the site when others disappear never to be seen again.
Then there was the date where we seemed to click and got in like a house on fire until the night she told me that she was allergic to most of the food we had eaten together and that she shouldn't be drinking the wine I had just bought. She said she need to detox for a few months. The detoxing process apparently included me as well because that was the last time I saw or heard from her.
Not even a courtesy I have found someone else which is what I expect happened. I thought that was a bit rude. She was a nice enough woman and I enjoyed our time together but I didn't see myself living with her for the rest of our days. maybe she sensed that.
I now understand how baggage from previous relationships can affect new ones even when you think you are over it or at least think you can hide the impact on your emotions. What amuses me is that sometimes it appears to me that the woman who are telling me that I am still not over the ex are probably carting about more baggage than I am. Why do they start these conversations otherwise? So when people talk about baggage it is just not yours you need to be worried about.
For the I have more or less given up on the idea of online dating for the moment. It is a fun way to meet people and I have done some different things and have some new places to go but it is quite an artificial world to meet a prospective partner but you never know your luck.
The dates so far.
Date one nice Asian lady. We met almost immediately, in fact we met several times but it soon dawned on me that she was in worse shape than I was. In fact I doubt that in her middle forties she had ever had a long term relation ship of more than a few months. I felt sorry for her but not sorry enough to go on seeing her. I am sure that I was probably just what she was looking for but she wasn't right for me in more ways than one. Her colloquial english was poor and she was quite selfish in some ways.
Date two. Nice but weirdly pretentious Russian lady. First date seemed to go fine and we arranged to meet the next day. Texted a couple of times the next day. No response. She might not have been quite what she presented herself as.
Date three.I knew this one was a bit dodgy the first time I spoke to her but thought what the hell lets give it a go. My first impression was confirmed when she suggested that we meet at a local bakery chain cafe. The meeting just confirmed the gut feeling I had developed and her wall eye was the clincher.
Date four. We immediately hit it off and spent quite a bit of time together over the next month or so. This is the lady with the food allergies and the odd pretentious smile and who didn't didn't make contact all of a sudden when things seemed to be going so well. Maybe she was just using me to fill a gap in the same way I was using her and moved onto someone better. I knew she wasn't right for me the first time I went to her apartment and discovered a lap dog in the house. I can't stand having a dog inside. Worse still when she took the thing for a walk she didn't put it on a lead and seemed to think that is was ok for it to roam around and annoy people at will.
Date five. This one was probably the worst of the lot and I couldn't wait to get away. She was just weird and didn't make any attempt to present herself very well.
Date six. The phone has just beeped. A text from her I am guessing. Another very nice lady but very intense. She seemed to think I was the one from the first date and after just a few weeks wants some kind of exclusivity. I am not so sure myself but am keen enough to remove my profile from the dating site to show some kind of commitment. Of all of them she seems to be the most interested in my past life and talks about me not being ready yet. Maybe number four thought this as well but she never said much about it. I suspect that both of them have just as much baggage from previous relationships as I do: if not more. Unbidden the most amazing things pop out at times and like all woman they seem content to construe the most incredible inferences from a simple grunt.
And me, well I have learn't a few things as well.